D'var Torah

We each mourn in different ways. Some get very emotional. Others are silent. And others find ways to occupy themselves through work or other activity. I’m not going to suggest that there is a right or wrong way to mourn. Psychologists may tell you one thing; clergy may tell you another. I believe that ritual can be a very powerful tool in helping us mourn, and Jewish tradition has helpful rituals that fit the bill. 

We don’t have to tread far into the Torah before we find these rituals such as Abraham purchasing a burial site for Sarah (Genesis 23). Or, later in Genesis (Chapter 37:34), when we read what Jacob did when he was told that his son Joseph was killed (even though he was very much alive). One of the most important Jewish mourning rituals has its origin in that story. Jacob rents or tears his clothing to begin the mourning process upon hearing of the death of his son. We call this K’riah (tearing) and still do it to this day.

You probably know the 5 stages of grief by noted psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, published in 1969, theorizing that people may go through 5 different types of emotions when faced with news of a loved-one’s death. Those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone goes through these stages, or even in this order, but when we do it helps us find comfort knowing this is normal behavior. 

Jewish practice also provides multiple stages of mourning and rituals that help us deal with our grief after losing someone close. They are the funeral and burial (observing the mitzvah of honoring and burying the dead as quickly as possible); shiva (the first 7 days of mourning when the community joins us providing comfort and healing, and which the first three days are the most intense,); sheloshim (the first 30-days of mourning), the first year (when we end saying kaddish every day and dedicate the monument at our loved ones’s grave, ending this time of grief); and finally yahrzeit (where we honor our loved one each year by saying kaddish on the anniversary of their death). Each stage has rituals that help us slowly raise from the deep darkness of intense grief to a new normal. 

In this week’s Torah portion, Sh’mini, from the Book of Leviticus, Aaron loses his sons Nadab and Abihu after God punishes them for making their own sacrifice. Aaron is not allowed to mourn publicly for his sons, while the rest of the community is told to rent their clothes (K’riah). The Torah only says: “And Aaron was silent.” (Lev. 10:3) However, Aaron falling silent was his way of mourning. 

On Sunday, it will be 6 months since October 7. Many of us have mourned in different ways. Some have spoken out, others have remained silent. Some have said Kaddish, others have read Israeli poetry, listened to Israeli music, marched in protest, or gathered in solidarity. No matter how each of us mourns, as a community we remember the lives lost and the change in society that occurred due to the horrific events of the massacre of October 7 and the war that has followed.

Abraham Joshua Heschel taught us that there are 3 ways to mourn. The first is to cry. The second is to grow silent. The third is to transform sorrow into song. The song can be our ritual. As we continue to pray and hope for the return of the hostages, let us turn to the songs of our heart to remember those who have died as our Jewish world continues to mourn our loss. 

Shabbat Shalom,
Cantor Michael Shochet