D'var Torah

Prior to walking into the Sanctuary before a funeral, we perform a ritual with the mourner’s called Kriyah. The word means “tearing” and comes from the Torah portion read this week, Vayeshev (Genesis 37:1-40:23). Joseph’s brothers threw their dreamer-brother Joseph into a pit and sold him to a band of Ishmaelites as they believed their father, Jacob, loved Joseph more than any of the brothers and were envious of him. The brothers took Joseph’s multi-colored coat, blood-stained from an animal to their father who saw it and immediately “rent his clothes” thinking his son was dead. This was the beginning of the mourning process for Jacob. 

Ever since that biblical story, Jews perform this same ritual of tearing or renting their clothes as a sign of mourning. Modern Jews affix a black ribbon to their outer garment and tear it, thus performing this same ritual that is thousands of years old. This act of Kriyah is an important ritual of the mourning process. It alerts others that you are in mourning and serves to help you start the mourning process leading eventually to a new normal.

Rituals are so important in the healing process of any traumatic or devastating event in your life. Rituals provide a structure to allow you to express your deep emotions and process the event through symbolic acts. Some research suggests that rituals can even trigger the release of endorphins, which can help reduce stress and anxiety. 

Think of the Jewish mourning process as a psychological system of rituals to help process the emotions of death and grief. Kriyah begins the process, followed by the ritual of saying Kaddish daily for the primary mourner (mother, father, sister, brother, child, spouse). We are obligated to say this prayer affirming life at a time when we feel life is so precious. 

The first seven days after burial: Shiva, are the most intense period of mourning. In this ritual, we stay home, not worrying about the regularities of daily life. We let people come to us, and help us, console us, and provide for us, so that we can focus solely on our grief. At the end of Shiva, we go out of our house, take a walk around the block, and re-enter the home, now symbolically starting a new chapter in our lives. The intense period of mourning is over, and we move to the next phase. 

After Shiva, the ritual becomes a period called Sheloshim, meaning 30. This is the 30-day period from the burial, where we begin to go out, perhaps return to work. We continue to say Kaddish every day, and we slowly are rising from the ashes, a little more prepared, with the help of the community to begin to face the regularities of life. At TRS, the name of the deceased is read each Shabbat for those four weeks. 

Following Sheloshim through 11 or 12 months is the next phase in the mourning process. Yes, we say Kaddish each day, but we also return to work fully. Some people get back to entertainment (some wait until the end of the year). We finally mark the end of the mourning process in the 11^th month, or at the end of a year, with an unveiling ceremony, and a final time to say Kaddish, now standing before the engraved headstone of the loved one. From that moment, the mourning period has ended. We say Kaddish only on the anniversary (Yahrzeit) of their passing, and on the Jewish holidays. Our life has returned to normal, or I should say, a new normal. 

I found it so comforting to say Kaddish for my parents each week at Temple for that one-year period. And when that day came, I was ready to stop saying Kaddish and remind myself how blessed I was to have my parents in my life for so long. My tears turned to smiles and I could focus on the happy times.

I love this about Judaism. The mourning process is ancient. Yet, psychologists and therapists would encourage you today to use structured methods – rituals – to relieve the stress and anxiety caused by grief. We need time and rituals to honor our feelings and provide healing to our spirits, to move forward. I hope that you, like Jacob in this week’s parashah, use rituals to help you through challenging times, marking significant life transitions to provide a sense of closure and moving forward to a new chapter in your life.